I thought I knew what I was saying.
Like I could feel my words
Falling into your lap.
And everything I’d think
Or say to you
Would tell you
How I really feel.
But when my thoughts
To leave me
Somehow they left
You as an enemy.
I only said what
Was inside of me
And you denied it
Lie to me.
Were never present
When I spoke
Whatever I was saying
To leave you wounded
And my thoughts
Broke and left me
Like I knew what I was saying.
Something has snapped inside me. It’s like I’m not afraid anymore, but angry. It’s like I have a firestone piercing my heart. It’s like I’m finally ready. When people reject and shut you out so many times you reach a breaking point. I’m okay with silence and I’m okay with talking. But I’m not worried anymore about what to choose or who I am. I’m focused and sure this time of what I’m doing. People lose a lot in life. People lose people. People lose children. People lose libido. People lose money. People lose their minds. It’s only when you lose something you gain something back. I’ve lost a lot but I’ve never lost something for nothing. So when I think of my past I’m sure of my future. With all that loss behind me I know I have everything to gain. It’s not a fresh start I’m after. It’s not power. It’s not revenge. Because it’s not even a fresh start. It’s just the start. The start of something where fear doesn’t exist. The start of truth. And yeah I be in my feelings.
I’m in one of those writing zones where I feel like pouring my heart out to someone. I used to write it down in a notebook or on a piece of paper, but then I realized it created a whole collection of “added stuff” to wherever I might go…So, I am writing to you a story about a girl named Sis.
Sis loved Jesus.
She couldn’t give up on something so perfect, because perfection made Sis awe struck.
She loved the idea of a perfect world.
Of course she knew her idea couldn’t be shared on a earth with people like her, who also had their idea of a perfect world.
That’s why she loved Jesus, because His world made everyone’s world perfect.
Sis decided one day to stop her ideas and follow Jesus.
She sacrificed a lot
but she knew it was nothing compared to what He had sacrificed.
Sis found a place to go where people loved Jesus as much as she did.
Then one day Sis stopped and she fell in love.
She tragically loved fiercely at a distance.
Her love kept her heart pure.
Then there was a disappearance and she had fallen in love with what disappeared.
She stopped loving God the same.
She thought if she’d ever see him again…
God didn’t stop loving Sis.
So she kept her heart
I rolled down my window and I didn’t ask for permission.
If life was just about permission, how would we survive? How would we create?
Creativity doesn’t have to be a permissible mystery.
I believe everyone was born to create.